I must redefine. Redefine me. Redefine my finances. Redefine my hair. Redefine my relationships. Redefine my days to day activity. Aach! I can't even barely define the word redefine, let alone redefine my existence.

Honestly, the last couple of days I have sort of given up. There seems to be several opportunities, none of which are remotely appealing except for the possible dough that goes along with them. I just can't get into the business of selling myself. I am out of business. Quite literally. 

I have had three job posting referrals. One I am seriously interested in. One I am potentially good for at a company I am not interested in. And one that is a dog but I know I could get it if I wanted it. The issue is ... my resume. And me. And my complete inability to write anything about myself that might be useful in an HR capacity. Why can't I just go on my merits as a human being? 

So, I sit at my desk and second guess myself, my abilities, my desires, my future. Stymied. 

In order to move forward I must redefine my work history into this magical "you gotta have me" mantra when just four months ago I was deemed as unnecessary, redundant, out of touch, difficult. I think the last distinction is the toughest to swallow. 

I am difficult. I have expectations just like many men in my family. They were exalted and lifted up in their careers for having high expectations. But not me.  MCC (my partner) would say that I am difficult at times, especially if I believe the effort being put forth is lacking. So, now I need to redefine myself into some fashion that is palatable for all to sallow. I DO NOT WANT TO CHANGE. I like who I am.  Rise up and meet me. Conversely, there are times where I do not meet my own criterion. I must rise up and meet myself. Redefine into a palatable, easy to swallow, team member.  A little rainbow colored pill. 

Many times I have worked on projects and I have been very much a part of the fabric. A team member with insightful contribution. It has been only during times of undue stress (e.g.,hour 21 under the pressure of someone's thumb) or during projects that have been developed and run by someone using crayons that my top has come unglued. I do not think it is unusual or worthy of criticism or flagging (or flogging). 

I am choosing to be defined as ... undefinable. 


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