This morning I started off at the gym busting out some bench presses and narrow grip decline presses with the Swiss bar. all was fine until I had to go home and shower to get ready for my trip into the office.
Deterioration of my mindset occurred very rapidly. I could give a flying fig about what I was setting up to wear. My mood did not improve and my partner was the brunt of a bit of sideways antics. Eventually, we ended up laughing about the ridiculousness that I had brought into the room.
I headed to counseling to settle up with all the crappy feelings swirling inside me and to try an tether some kind of direction to follow. What can I say... ? I always leave with a promise and smile that quickly fades as I drive up to the office building. I almost immediately fill with resentment that seems to overflow to dizzying amounts. The laughter of co-workers grates, the smell of my neighbors poor choice in body spray is nauseating, and the uninspired lackluster presence of my supervisor is enough to gnaw my arm free in order to escape.
Apparently, I have felt minimized in this role since 2012 when I was yelled at and called incompetent by my then director. Perhaps, I am incompetent. But, he is an ass and a sorry excuse for a leader. And, need I remind him that he hired me. He is a chooch.
So today, my little charm is: 'Don't Play with Guns' by the Black Angels and 'Don't Weigh Me Down' by The Horrors.
I have spent a good portion of today looking up and researching the End of Life Process and what that could mean for me. There might be room for this in my life. End of Life Doula and Hospice work has always been something I have been pretty resolute with. I am good at it. I enjoy it. It has meaning. It helps people heal. So, this is one path I am going to take in one context or another.
This afternoon seems to be better for having done some important research. I can smile.
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